ooh baby i'm a rock star

It's been a while since my last post.. I know, ok! not that anyone reads this thing...however, i do believe this may be good for my mental health.
I want to get healthier! i am about *counts* 45lbs away from my ideal goal weight..and I can do it! i've already lost some weight this summer.. and instead of just throwing in the towel, i want to REACH my goal!
I think I can, I think I can, I think I can!
So now from a doom and gloom blog spot...its going to be about my weight challenges...food diary...and daily work outs!

You are the thunder and I am the lightning

I'm scared to death! once again...

He actually lisitend to me this afternoon... I was filled with so many emotions all at once after we hung up..
First with excitement, then with fear, ending with my stomach turning and on the verge of barfing >.<

FRIDAY!  It's a date ;-)
we're going to see how it goes...how we mesh. see if it's worth it after all..
and if not. then we're both going to be throwing in the towel for good... kinda scary, eh??


This could be PERFECT..just what we need. A night out loving each other :-)
OR.. it will officially be 4 years, 8 months down the toilet..

Honestly either way, we get what we both want.

Either us back to happiness.. and plans for a future... or..
we can take each day as it comes, and work on moving on.


I hope it goes well >.<

you're going to wish these days hadnt gone by so fast

What is it about night time? It's like as soon as the sun goes down...and it gets quiet... all the thoughts that i've managed to tuck away the entire day come tumbling out. Honestly...it blows!
I just want to be calm and at peace...24/7...that would rock :)
I want to be stronger with my emotions...either let it all out and move on...or keep it tucked away for good.


.......and thoughts of Jordan Makanani...
I miss her so freaken much! I just want to see her one more time! Dreams are just not enough anymore.
I hope she's looking down and smiling..omg...her smile? only the best  :)
i miss how simple life was when we were friends...
how we sat together on the school bus :) we grew up together..and its like a WHOLE freaken piece of me... is dead and gone.. all those memories...are gone...and only i have the ones that i managed to store away...not nearly enough...


Why is it that everyone i care about...goes away


between the end of 7th grade and up to now i feel like i've been kicked in the ass and forced to grow up.
I've lost all my grandparents whom 2 were like actual parents while i was growing up!
I've lost good friends..
my first crush EVER died
my shows have been cancled
my bands have broken up
my bio father has abandoned my family and I
 and my true love gave up on me...because i suck and dont know when to let things go.


What's the point in the word "trust" or "hope"
everyone dies
everyone lets you down
everything comes to an end...


I miss you SO much Jordan!
I'd give anything to see you just one more time <3

'cause he's bittersweet he knocks me off of my feet And I can't help myself I don't want anyone else

Life seems to be bitter sweet these day
I'm enjoying life...not going to lie :) 
The people in my life are pretty rad, beyond definition ;)
Work is pretty shweeet, I love working with people whom I enjoy being around
and that makes work SO much easier!

personality disorder update:
So I've TRIED to see when I push people away and just...STOP!
It's been a week..so I have A TON of work to do..
but pushing people I care about away...Not going to make me happy in the long run with life

I need to accept what people say..and move on.
If someone doesnt want to tell me something...ok!
The world isn't going to end...and more importantly
the world sadly...does not revolve around ME
SO...I don't have to know every single detail about EVERYTHING..

I need to be stronger with my emotions.
But...a different strength is what I need.
I tend to get mad/angry when I'm truly upset.

I don't like to cry, and it makes me MAD AS HELL
I need to get over that.. If I want to cry...maybe I should just let it out and move on.

meh...maybe these blogs will start to be a little more organized with me getting happier and happier :)

can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars

Life is getting a little better with each day :)
I am so thankful for that! No... life is surely not perfect... but it's improving enough for me to feel the slightest bit better daily.
I'm afraid of pointless things in life...that in the long run..do not even matter. I'm afraid to talk to people for the most part. It's hard for me to trust, but when i do...i trust to much.
I'm afraid of rejection, I'm afraid compliments-i tend to ALWAYS think they are being sarcastic..
If a guy hits on me i feel SO bad...because I tend to think it's a joke.
I don't know what's wrong with me >.<
I don't know HOW to begin to work on my self-image issues... no clue really.

but positives for the week so far are :
I no longer want to burst into tears when someone looks at me
We're BOTH working towards a happier/healthier relationship
and I'm smiling at the moment :)

I feel stronger and less dependent... too soon to say that? oh well.. the past two days I HAVE felt less dependent upon him. I try not to call/text him first. He broke up with me.. I need to give him space...right?
and in return he calls/texts me when he thinks of it...which sweet.

these blogs do not really flow, but thats ok!
this is more of a way for me to get out my emotions and how >I< am feeling.

hoes =)

I don't understand why people feel the need to be so two faced..
It just does not make sense to me. If you want/feel the need to comment on somebody...then do it to there face... No this post is not from someone else offending me.. I just listen to my younger brother..and hear about the horrible things other CHILDREN(3rd graders) say to him! It is simply ridiculous. When you get out of elementary, middle, and finally high school... none of that matters. Nobody cares if your shoes are last season or you've gained a few pounds.. and it's funny, because when someone does seem to care, you quickly realize how sad and pathetic their life must be to feel the need to focus on others flaws or lack of style. On so many occasions, i hear friends down grade mutural friends, but then... turn around and be all hunky dorey with them. That's not cool. That is definitely not a friendship I want to have. Why can't people treat others with kindness and respect? Why does everyone have such hate for one another outside of their clique?
i dont know... this is just 2 am ramble

all i know is:

God is good

I expect to be treated with the same kindess and respect that I will show you

Hate...is not needed in our vocabulary

and two faced hoes need to go down :)